Plain, simple Jake

On association football, one of my five or six favourite codes of football

It's that time of four-years when a lot of people are going to be deluging you with analysis of and predictions for the upcoming FIFA World Cup. I won't be joining them, on account of how I really have very little idea what's going on in the soccer world. (Not that being knowledgable has always worked out for me before.)

Nonetheless, I'll certainly be watching as much as I can of this biggest of the big tournaments, which leaves me in a bind: who to cheer for? Canada's not in the tournament, of course, nor is either Irish team, robbing me of my most obvious choices.

So, in lieu of World Cup predictions, I present to you my detailed analysis as I figure out which teams to cheer for in each group. Since two teams will advance from each group, I'll pick a top two for each. I'll then be back for updates following the preliminary round, when no doubt most of the team's I've chosen will have been eliminated.

Group A

Poland
Germany
Costa Rica
Ecuador

Well, I know exactly one German, which gives me more of a connection to that country than to any of the others, so I'll cheer for them first in this group. I also know a Pole, but I'm pretty sure she was born in Canada, and anyway, there's a limit to how strongly I can cheer for the country that's indirectly responsible for Ross. (Note, however, that I have no problem cheering for the country that's directly responsible for him.) Still, it's enough for me to go with Poland second here.

Group B

England
Paraguay
Trinidad and Tobago
Sweden

England is the nation of some unclear proportion not exceeding half of my ethnic origin, it's the source of my last name, plus it's where Her Majesty the Queen lives, so they're my natural first choice here. I have no ties at all to any of the other three countries, so picking a number two is tough. I do really like Sweden's women's hockey team, though, so I might as well try to transfer that fandom across the boundaries of sport and gender.

Group C

Argentina
Côte d'Ivoire
Serbia and Montenegro
Netherlands

Wow, this one is tough. Let's see... the Netherlands has the world's least idiotic drug laws and is just generally liberal in the ways I like (and, to be fair, the ways I don't, but that's not exactly rare), so I guess I'll go with them first. And Côte d'Ivoire borders Ghana, who (you'll see later) are an easy favourite of mine; maybe that should mean I cheer against them out of rivalry, but I'm going to be neighbourly—vicariously neighbourly, anyway—and put them second.

Group D

Mexico
Iran
Angola
Portugal

Gotta go with Mexico here, out of North American solidarity or something. Besides, I've actually been there, albeit only for an afternoon when I was 13. I just can't cheer for Iran, for political reasons, and between Portugal and former Portugese colony Angola, I've got to cheer for the colony to show up the ol' motherland, so Angola's second.

Group E

Italy
Ghana
USA
Czech Republic

My mother's second husband, who was a hell of a guy, was Ghanian, and I retain allegiance to his country to this day. They're my number one in this group. USA goes second, because: a) North American solidarity again; b) I've been there (three times, in fact!); and c) I like being contrarian, and I'm sure I'll be one of about four non-Americans cheering for them.

Group F

Brazil
Croatia
Australia
Japan

Australia—home of the AFL, the Wallabies, and the South Sydney Rabbitohs—is my favourite football nation, so I'll be cheering for the Socceroos as well. And Japan is just neat, so they come next.

Group G

France
Switzerland
Korea Republic
Togo

Hmm. Well, how can you not cheer for the neutrals? Go Switzerland! As for the others: Korea was the setting of M*A*S*H, and that's good enough for me.

Group H

Spain
Ukraine
Tunisia
Saudi Arabia

I used to know someone who'll be cheering for Ukraine, and I can't in good conscience cheer for the same team as that moron, so they're out. Saudi Arabia's out for similar reasons to Iran. Since I actually know something about Spain, I'll put them first, and Tunisia second.

posted by Jake @ 9:49 AM