Plain, simple Jake

Things that sound funnier than normal when I say them #1

Bros before hos.

posted by Jake @ 9:09 PM 1 comments

I'm expanding!

A while back, I had an idea for a different blog. But then I thought to myself, "No one will read it, so why should I bother?" But then I thought to myself, "Wait a minute, since when have I ever refrained from writing something just because no one will read it?" So that settled it, and I am now the proud proprietor of Pandabearblöggen, a University of Alberta sports blog. I've kicked it off with a lovely post on the Women's Rugby World Cup in which I link to what other people have said rather than saying stuff of my own. Truly, I am a blogger.

posted by Jake @ 11:06 PM 2 comments

Time is tissue

I can't find the link right now, but one writer reviewing Snakes on a Plane said something to the effect of the following: when Samuel L. Jackson delivers his much-anticipated line (you know which one), you'll be proud to be American.

It turns out that's true even if you're not actually American.

SoaP is an extremely terrible movie. Go see it right now.

posted by Jake @ 11:18 PM 0 comments

Search engine update!

Best search string used to find this site: harbatkin serenity

Most disturbing search string used to find this site: does vince mcmahon wear a thong or underwears?

Most depressing search string used to find this site: push slice swing

Most uncalled for search string used to find this site: jake is stupid

posted by Jake @ 8:03 PM 0 comments

Because I just can't say no to Steve

1. Have you ever been in a fantasy league?

Indeed. I was in both an NHL and an NBA league last year, managing the Geelong Rabbitohs HC in the Gateway's NHL league, and the Big Damn Heroes in a semi-related NBA league. I did quite terribly in hockey, quickly discovering that I had never heard of the majority of NHL players. After brilliantly picking Daniel Alfredsson second overall, my draft was absolutely horrid (although picking Jussi in the second round was awesome, if not in any way good for my team). I finished second-last, if I recall correctly. The Big Damn Heroes got off to a good start, but once I realized that having a fantasy team didn't make me care about the NBA any more than before (which was basically none), I started to neglect it and they started slipping. By the end, I amused myself by attempting to acquire the entire Phoenix Suns roster. I failed, but came closer than you might think.

2. What was the first jersey you ever owned?

When I was a wee baby, I had a wee Eskimos jersey, with Dan Kepley's number 42 on it. I kept it for many years, only parting with it when my niece was born and I gave it to her.

3. Top 5 sports books

Christ, have I even read five sports books? Seriously, I think the GAA rulebook has to make it on the list. Um, I have The Stick, by Bruce Dowbiggen, which is okay. Mick Foley's Have a Nice Day is pretty awesome, and I'm going to count it as a sports book. The Hockey Sweater is a classic, of course. And, um... is misogyny a sport? If so, then Atlas Shrugged.

4. 10 favorite athletes

This is a little weird, but my favorite sports are also sports I haven't been able to follow closely enough to know the players. So, sadly, no rugby, Aussie, or Gaelic football players will be on this list at this point. I'm sure this will change as time goes on. But at any rate, in no particular order:

Rocket Richard
Hayley Wickenheiser
Gizmo Williams
Dave Nedohin
Doug Flutie
Kim Martin
Chantal Petitclerc
Wayne Gretzky (Cliched? Sure, but come on.)
Muhammad Ali (And I don't even like boxing.)
Jen Botterill

5. Three Athletes I secretly admire but am ashamed to admit it for fear of ridicule

Barry Bonds - Okay, yeah, steroid allegations and all that. But the dude's good, and he knows it, and he insists on being himself even if other people don't like it. My kinda guy.
Chris Benoit - Yes, he's an athlete, and you're very wrong for questioning it.
Darryl Strawberry - For the same reason Steve gave.

6. The 5 people I tag are:

Let's see: Heather Smith, Heather Wallace, Daniel Kaszor, I find it difficult to believe no one's said Ross Prusakowski yet, and, um... any Pandas who happen to run across this. Even though none will.

posted by Jake @ 7:12 PM 0 comments

So THAT'S what it looks like when a Kangaroo gets raped to death...

I saw a man wearing an Italy jersey today. I seriously had to fight the urge to refrain from kicking him in the junk.

posted by Jake @ 8:40 PM 0 comments

Today is a good day to advance

Australia 2 Croatia 2 The Socceroos advance past the first round for the first time ever, and they were clearly the better team in this match, surviving some, shall we say, unfortunate decisions by the referee. They meet the hopefully scandal-distracted Italians on Monday.



Ghana 2 USA 1 And the Black Stars shock everyone by advancing in the their first ever World Cup. I am pleased. Unfortunately, though, they have to face the Brazilians on Tuesday.

In other news: My third choice, England, also advanced earlier, and will destroy Ecuador on Sunday. Fourth-choice Germany faces (relatively distant) fifth-choice Sweden on Saturday. I'm doing pretty good so far, huh?

posted by Jake @ 3:22 PM 0 comments

Reason #3 why this wrestling fan doesn't watch wrestling

I caught the last couple minutes of Raw last night when I flipped over to TSN in order to catch the highlights of Oilers-'Canes game one (all but the last five minutes of which I missed for slo-pitch and finger-injuring). And what did I see but Triple H giving a pedigree to Vince McMahon, with Vince's pants down around his ankles and his thong underwear bearing his shiny ass to the world. I am, of course, very sorry that I missed what led up to that.

posted by Jake @ 10:05 AM 0 comments

On association football, one of my five or six favourite codes of football

It's that time of four-years when a lot of people are going to be deluging you with analysis of and predictions for the upcoming FIFA World Cup. I won't be joining them, on account of how I really have very little idea what's going on in the soccer world. (Not that being knowledgable has always worked out for me before.)

Nonetheless, I'll certainly be watching as much as I can of this biggest of the big tournaments, which leaves me in a bind: who to cheer for? Canada's not in the tournament, of course, nor is either Irish team, robbing me of my most obvious choices.

So, in lieu of World Cup predictions, I present to you my detailed analysis as I figure out which teams to cheer for in each group. Since two teams will advance from each group, I'll pick a top two for each. I'll then be back for updates following the preliminary round, when no doubt most of the team's I've chosen will have been eliminated.

Group A

Poland
Germany
Costa Rica
Ecuador

Well, I know exactly one German, which gives me more of a connection to that country than to any of the others, so I'll cheer for them first in this group. I also know a Pole, but I'm pretty sure she was born in Canada, and anyway, there's a limit to how strongly I can cheer for the country that's indirectly responsible for Ross. (Note, however, that I have no problem cheering for the country that's directly responsible for him.) Still, it's enough for me to go with Poland second here.

Group B

England
Paraguay
Trinidad and Tobago
Sweden

England is the nation of some unclear proportion not exceeding half of my ethnic origin, it's the source of my last name, plus it's where Her Majesty the Queen lives, so they're my natural first choice here. I have no ties at all to any of the other three countries, so picking a number two is tough. I do really like Sweden's women's hockey team, though, so I might as well try to transfer that fandom across the boundaries of sport and gender.

Group C

Argentina
Côte d'Ivoire
Serbia and Montenegro
Netherlands

Wow, this one is tough. Let's see... the Netherlands has the world's least idiotic drug laws and is just generally liberal in the ways I like (and, to be fair, the ways I don't, but that's not exactly rare), so I guess I'll go with them first. And Côte d'Ivoire borders Ghana, who (you'll see later) are an easy favourite of mine; maybe that should mean I cheer against them out of rivalry, but I'm going to be neighbourly—vicariously neighbourly, anyway—and put them second.

Group D

Mexico
Iran
Angola
Portugal

Gotta go with Mexico here, out of North American solidarity or something. Besides, I've actually been there, albeit only for an afternoon when I was 13. I just can't cheer for Iran, for political reasons, and between Portugal and former Portugese colony Angola, I've got to cheer for the colony to show up the ol' motherland, so Angola's second.

Group E

Italy
Ghana
USA
Czech Republic

My mother's second husband, who was a hell of a guy, was Ghanian, and I retain allegiance to his country to this day. They're my number one in this group. USA goes second, because: a) North American solidarity again; b) I've been there (three times, in fact!); and c) I like being contrarian, and I'm sure I'll be one of about four non-Americans cheering for them.

Group F

Brazil
Croatia
Australia
Japan

Australia—home of the AFL, the Wallabies, and the South Sydney Rabbitohs—is my favourite football nation, so I'll be cheering for the Socceroos as well. And Japan is just neat, so they come next.

Group G

France
Switzerland
Korea Republic
Togo

Hmm. Well, how can you not cheer for the neutrals? Go Switzerland! As for the others: Korea was the setting of M*A*S*H, and that's good enough for me.

Group H

Spain
Ukraine
Tunisia
Saudi Arabia

I used to know someone who'll be cheering for Ukraine, and I can't in good conscience cheer for the same team as that moron, so they're out. Saudi Arabia's out for similar reasons to Iran. Since I actually know something about Spain, I'll put them first, and Tunisia second.

posted by Jake @ 9:49 AM 0 comments

What?

From Wikipedia's entry for "Battle of Alberta", in the U of A vs. U of C section:

Competitions between the two universities have taken place over who has possession of a painted rock. Currently Calgary has it though several University of Alberta students attempted to blow it up, resulting in damage to the windows at the Calgary campus.

Someone just made that up, right?

posted by Jake @ 12:12 AM 1 comments